A Counter Guide to Hooking up with Women in Melbourne
“A creepy list used to give tips on the best public places in Melbourne to pick up women has caused outrage.”
Now, I can see the value in a guide to help you find eligible short-term lovers. I mean, I myself have offered advice to younger female friends on where to go around Melbourne to meet bachelors. Which beer gardens are sausage parties, or the suburbs most likely to have the most single studs hanging out at the local gym, heck just a few days ago I announced on Facebook that the South Melbourne Coles is still a great place to check out the tall dark and handsome husband material on aisle 3. There’s nothing creepy about that. We live in a weird online dating era and I personally struggle to feel a connection with guys on a dating App, I need to feel their energy in person and hear their voice, see how they move etc. That’s where attraction lives for me. So it helps to know where singles hang out, so we can all bump into each other in person.
That said, there is definitely something very creepy about a guide that describes women as game to be stalked and pounced on and how to inconspicuously wait around, cast a net and scam multiple women in one day. It feels super predatory, especially since I frequent many of the places listed. Although I must say, on my daily commute and frequent stop-overs at Melbourne Central Metro Woolies, I certainly have never had the time between train and tram connections to stop and have a flirt while flying through the self-service checkout with a protein bar and a coconut water.
I feel for men. Melbourne has such a strange dating culture and I’m personally over it. But then I’m a 30 something ready to settle down, so this isn’t about me, it’s about young men and women meeting each other, having some casual fun and enjoying life, right?
I want to reiterate, I really do understand the value of a dating and hook up guide!
Dating game is a legitimate thing for both men and women. There are women out there who don’t necessarily want a boyfriend, husband or long-term relationship. I’ve been through phases like this and I’ve had my casual flings, you know, where it’s not exclusive and you’re not “together”, but you both enjoy the company, and occasionally you do activities together, but neither of you want something long term and yet you both respect each other enough to have boundaries and be open about it. That’s the ideal when it comes to hook-ups as far as I’m concerned. I work in the entertainment industry, many of my single female friends are 20-30 and they all seem to be saying the same thing;
“I don’t necessarily want a boyfriend, I just want to feel respected and have fun.”
It’s actually that simple guys. So if you’re a player and you want a guide on how to get chicks, here’s what you need to do…
1. Don’t be a fucking creep!
Yep. Don’t hover around public locations waiting for naïve looking women to fall into your trap. There’s a very particular kind of guy who only likes vulnerable women, they’re called “narcissists and psychopaths” and often fall into the "abuser/predator" category of toxic male behaviour, go watch The Ted Bundy Tapes for reference. I’ve studied a couple of them closely, and in my younger years, I was actually that vulnerable girl, who like a moth to flame, attracted mostly this kind of guy. Young women are more switched on these days, even my 19 year old niece knows what’s up and how to shut it down when a guy starts exhibiting creepy behaviour. If you’re only attracted to women who are wounded bird types, it’s worth taking a look at why, and sorting that shit out. You will thank me later when your sex life benefits from it.
2. Get a life!
I honestly don’t mean to say that as harsh as it sounds, but if you’ve got time to hang out at libraries and cafes trying to hook up with women all day, it may mean that you have way too much spare time on your hands. I assure you that you will become a chick magnet if you have your own interests and hobbies that you’re passionate about. Check out Apps like MeetUp. If you’re into reading; there are book groups. If you’re into fitness; there are fitness groups, and so on and so forth. These are far more genuine ways to meet singles.
People in relationships don’t always have time to engage in extracurricular activities, so if you can get on board with social groups that are around your interests, you’ll meet way more single people in a non-creepy setting. Women are naturally drawn to men who are passionate about their interests, why do you think musicians and actors are so desirable? They are completely immersed in their passion. Sexy af! So get passionate about your interests and the women will come to you. Which leads me to some interesting statistics about Melbourne…
3. Cash in on the stats!
According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, in 2018 there were 97.7 men to every 100 women in Melbourne. That may not seem like much, but in a city of 4.4 million, it means in many areas of Melbourne women out-number men, by hundreds or thousands. You literally have more options of women than any other city in Australia. What does that mean for you? You may not know this, but the women I know certainly do… the women of Melbourne have become accustomed to chasing men. Yep. We are the hunters. Men have so many options here that women are the ones who are initiating and competing. In some cases, and this is depressing, men in Melbourne barely have to say “hi” to a woman to get her attention. The odds are already in your favour. You want to be a game master? Put in a dash more effort than other men and you’ll go down a treat. Literally. ;p Don’t pursue like a constantly texting, hovering creep, but show a genuine interest and be authentic, and women everywhere will collectively breathe a sigh of relief, or perhaps a moan of pleasure. And let me tell you, we all talk, if one woman has a fantastic date with you, she’s gonna tell her friends, and that shit spreads like wildfire. Your wider female social circle will hear of your excellent dating savvy and authentic charm, and honey, you’ll have a string of dates longer than the line for Bond nightclub on a Saturday night. (side note: if one woman knows you're a creep, all her friends do to.)
4. Bonus round!
I want to offer a little bonus round to the gents who get stuck in friendzones because you’re a bit shy or paralysed by the thought of being rejected…
I have a solution for you that is sure to work if you’re authentic, and not creepy about it. Have this conversation with your lady friend acquaintance that you’re keen on…
Guy: “How long have you been single now?”
Girl: “About a year. What even is a date? I just can’t do dating Apps, and my work is so busy.”
Guy: “Same. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to date. <laugh emoji> I have an idea though. How would you feel about going on a date with me, but as practice. Like as friends with no expectations of hooking up, but do date things, like food and an activity, bowling or something? We each pay for ourselves but just have some fun together seeing as we’re both out of practice.”
“That would actually be rad. I haven’t been bowling in years!”
Here’s why it works for the girl:
1. No pressure – She feels like you’re not going to pressure her into a second date or sex (so DON’T!).
2. She wants to go on fun adventures and wants male company that isn’t sleazy, trust me, many women crave this type of connection.
3. It helps her to trust you. If a woman feels safe, isn’t creeped out and can see that a man sticks to his word, she’s more likely to feel attracted to him.
Here’s why it works for the guy:
1. He gets to be himself and spend time with a cool chick with no fear of rejection.
2. Even if she doesn’t like him romantically, she will still trust him (for following through on a non sleazy date) and she’ll invite him to other events and he’ll have the bonus of meeting more people, including her single friends who, undoubtedly, have already been informed that he's a great guy. Miss Right could be a periphery friend of Miss Friendzone.
This is for the long game. Players looking for a "hit it and quit it" won’t find this bonus titbit useful at all, but guys who want to date women, or have meaningful, mutual casual flings will definitely benefit from this.
At the end of the day, women today are very much done with being mistreated. Most women I know (including myself) have accepted and embraced the idea of being single and absolutely will not settle for a player guy who doesn’t value her, even if all she wants is a hook up. There still needs to be mutual respect and authenticity.
The creepy list talks of avoiding male feminists whilst trying to scam women, and is most certainly directed at the type of men who wouldn’t even make it past my first paragraph, so if you’re a man, and you’ve read this far, congratulations. Women already find you attractive! Go forth and be merry with many women.
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